turning point (sounds like a soap opera)

You know those moments when you just feel....stuck? Welcome to the last 3 weeks of my life. I have struggled here in Cambodia to adjust to a new life. I've been homesick like crazy, wondering when my heart would just burst open with sadness. Let me tell you, that is not fun. There have been a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like everything is great and I am happy and I can do this for however much longer I have to. But then there are moments when I feel like I can't do this for another second, I might actually explode. It's amazing the amount of sadness your heart can hold.

I don't want this to be a depressing post, so I'll move on to the good stuff.

Last night was wonderful, and I am calling it the turning point. I had a really hard day at work (not the work part, just the homesick part) and I was counting down the minutes until I could leave the office. As I walked out I was determined to not feel depressed for the rest of the evening. I am so sick and tired of those feelings and I didn't want them anymore. I decided to enjoy the walk home, smile at the people in my neighborhood and even say hello to a couple of them. There is a lady down the street from my apartment who does mending and some tailoring for us and I had to pick up a couple things there. She always has a smile on her face so it was great to see her. I said hello to another woman sitting outside, and then as I approached my gate I noticed a man across the street with a cute baby on his lap. I walked over and said hello and played with the baby for a minute. I told the man his baby was beautiful and then went home. My mood had already improved sooo much by then.

I walked inside, changed into my workout clothes and did part of an Insanity work out. I found the audio file of it that I had created and decided I need to start working out more. Plus, I can't say no to a little Shawn-T in my ear for a good workout. After my workout I read my scriptures and brainstormed a list of things I can do to be happy, I needed some action steps. After I showered I decided to go to this dessert cafe down the street that I haven't been to. It looks really fancy and I was immediately drawn to it by the "Free WiFi" sign in the window. I walked over and stepped inside. It was pretty swanky and completely empty. I ordered a brownie and found a comfy seat. It felt so good to be sitting in an air conditioned room with a brownie and a glass of cold water. I skyped with my family for a while and it was so great. I didn't feel homesick at all or even cry once! I didn't even have to hold back any tears (I'm pretty sure every skype call previous to this one has included embarrassing amounts of crying). It was so enjoyable to talk about life, and Cambodia, and what they've been up to, and their plans for the day.

Last night was one of the most enjoyable nights I've had here in Cambodia. It felt so good to have all that negativity gone. Brainstorming a list of things I can do to feel happy made me feel more in control. I think I got into a habit of feeling homesick, and we all know how hard it is to break a bad habit. I think it's been hard for me to let it go because it's almost like if I let go of the homesickness, I'm letting go of home. I know that home will always be there, my family will always be there. I'm going home in six weeks and they will be there!

It was so great to have such a good evening. I wanted to hold on to that feeling forever. I prayed last night to never forget that feeling, to have the ability to crowd out the negativity with those positive feelings. I prayed so hard to hold on to how I felt last night. I want it to be a turning point. I want everything to be better from here on out, and I am determined to make that happen. I know it won't be perfect, and I will still have moments of homesickness (like this morning), but to have moments (even entire evenings!) of hope like last night make it seem possible.